Balaka

Once in a while you hear so much about a place that you go out of your way to eat there. Examples include the original Chipotle in Denver, In-and-Out Burger, Food Land in Mzuzu, and Union Coffee in Moshi. All of these examples were totally worth the time and effort to go there. Then you have places like Varsity in Atlanta, that are very famous but equally disappointing. Normally, I have a way of picking the best, lesser known places that are amazing.

Well, it turns out Balaka, specifically the famous Balaka's Best, is a Varsity. For 15 months now, I've heard about the Italians that make mozzarella cheese down in Balaka and how great the pizza is. On my trip to Liwonde, I made a point to stop in Balaka and try this pizza. The place all sources agreed to try was Balaka's Best. 

The restaurant looks nice as I enter. I asked for a menu, and was directed towards a chalkboard. The only pizza on there was "Slice mk1200." This is expensive, but maybe the slice is big. I ask. I'm pointed towards a bakery case where there are three square slices of mushroom pizza, sitting for who knows how long, but most likely not from today. 

All is not lost. New York displays their pizza in a similar way, and there is nothing wrong with a slice of Brooklyn-style pizza (although, even in NYC, factoring exchange rate, a slice is half as much and bigger). I order a slice, still optimistic. 

At this time, the last behind the counter puts a slice on a plate, and starts walking towards the kitchen. Promising. There is probably a pizza over back there; a place owned by Italians would have no less. Wrong. She stops and turns abruptly and sticks my slice in a microwave. Now granted, in my current life, microwaves are an exciting contraption, seven years of college have well taught me what microwaving does to pizza. 

I get my slice of pizza, an "Italian roll" (which has no butter or garlic in, on, or within 10m of it), and a mk800 glass of red box wine (the redeeming quality of this place, because the glass was better than 400mL), and sat down to enjoy the "best" pizza in Malawi. 

Think of those square slices of pizza from elementary school, but add 20 years of life experience and the knowledge that you, personally, could make a pizza that put this one to shame. 

All is not lost! They have cheesecake on the menu! There is dessert, and the always wise second "glass" (more like bottle the way this lady pours) of wine. 

Whoever invented lemon cheesecake, here's a shovel, start digging, but I should warn you, it's your body that will be forever resting in that grave. Acidic citrus should not be kept in the same fridge, let alone pie crust, as dairy. If you, a restaurant owner, do not realize that, we don't need you on our planet. 

I finally just bought a block of cheese to eat straight up and paid my bill (close to mk5000, which is probably the most expensive meal I've ever had in Malawi by double).

So, my official review of Balaka's Best (ratings are out of 5 *'s):

Service - *

Food - zero, nothing, nada, ziltch! (if I could give negatives, I would)

Atmosphere - **

Bar-tending - *****

Anyone that ever bragged about Balaka pizza - don't talk to me...ever

Take-away block of cheese - **** (it's unsalted, but it is still cheese and after two of those glasses of wine, I approve)

P.S. I should be fair. Balaka is beautiful, has a good ex-pat population, but not a lot of tourists. Overall, I'm still glad I stopped there. I've also been informed that Balaka's Best used to have fresh, personal sized pizzas made to order, but there pizza oven broke some time ago and still hasn't returned. Finally, the prices were apparently over doubled about a month ago for a slice (mk500 to mk1200).