So I guess I should start actually using this blog and get used to it. I thought a good short post would be about the emotions I've been feeling since I found out I was going to Malawi.
First, on Leep Day, I got the famous 5am automated email from Peace Corps saying there was an update to my application status. I maintain that was the happiest I've ever been before 9am or coffee. I found out when I logged into my email at work (around 8am) and was going nuts. Even though I had already been told by my placement officer (after a lengthy limbo period due to Latin America being in turmoil and me being switched), it was somehow just more real when the website said I had a blue envelope in the mail. So I guess the emotion for that day would be jubilation.
Next, a LONG two days later, I get back to my house after enjoying after-work-happy-hour with some friends to have my roommate say "oh, Peace Corps sent you something." At this time, I had been stalking Peace Corps Wiki to try and figure out where I was going and when, and I figured chances were it was Tanzania based on the info I had. Well, I met my recruiter in the Home Depot parking lot and let her actually open the envelope since I was too nervous and she helped me out so much during the process. Anyways, turns out I'm going to Malawi (not on wiki at the time). I felt every emotion and no emotions for the next few weeks. It was just too overwhelming to process.
Fast forward to St Patty's Day. I'm in an Irish bar, enjoying live music, and all of the sudden I get a strong feeling of sadness. This is my last St. Patty's Day in the states for a while, and I love St. Patty's Day. I kept getting sad about stuff like even now. At the end of March, I was at a Jimmy Buffett concert and almost started crying when he took the stage (for some perspective, I've cried twice in the past 5 years).
Several days after St. Patty's Day, I went for this awesome hike in Rocky Mountain National Park, and as I was standing on the side of a mountain looking at other mountains, I got super excited thinking my life was going to be one giant adventure like this hike (crazy difficult, but totally against my personality to quit, and rewarding in the end).
Out of nowhere, around March 27th I started getting scared to death that I would not be able to learn the language and would fail out during training. This persisted for a few days but thank God has passed.
Now, I just feel what can only be described as panic. I haven't been able to sleep right for a past two weeks, been tired all day, and have started to wonder how I'm going to make it to June 18th. Then I keep thinking "if something happens and I'm not able to go, I don't know if I'd be able to handle it." Seriously, my mind is like "if you don't go, your life has no meaning." Now I obviously know that isn't true, but it doesn't keep the thought from cropping up on occasion.
So yes, right now, I'm in panic mode, and who knows what my next emotion will be. Hopefully whatever it is, it's an emotion that actually lets me get to sleep at night. I'm glad I seem to be processing these serious emotions one at a time, cause if I was ecstatic-depressed-excited-paniced, I would definitely break my no-cry streak (we're at a year and a half).
